A friend of mine sent me this excerpt from Demetri Martin’s book that’s pretty hilarious. I’m not going to post the whole thing because I’ll probably get in trouble, so click the link below to go to Esquire.com to read it.
I used to eat meat. I ate fruits and vegetables too, and a lot of other things people handed to me. I guess you could say I was an “Omnivore.” Like a lot of people, I didn’t know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs, and Veal. These books, and my girlfriend who made me read them, really motivated me to become a “Vegetarian.”
I started out as a “Regular Vegetarian” (someone who does not eat meat), and then I became what is called a “Constipated Vegetarian” (someone who eats too many bananas). After that, I became what they call a “Strict Vegetarian.” That’s someone who eats only fruits and vegetables that have been disciplined in some way — like, for example, corn that was grown in a perfect row, or grapes that were stomped by someone in uniform.
After being strict vegetarians for a while, my girlfriend and I became “Militant Vegetarians” (vegetarians who not only eat fruits and vegetables but also fight with them). That lasted until we both got pretty severe rashes from accidentally eating some poison ivy. That led to our eventual breakout / breakup / make_up / cookout / make-out / break-fast, and then final breakup.